Soulmates.

I was just reading over my blog and I'm amazed that I haven't posted in what seems like years.

It was actually a really cool experience reading over all of my old thoughts.

Some of them were juvenile and downright embarrassing.

But a lot of them were really cool.

I really enjoyed reading over how I felt about all of my friends.

5 years ago if someone had asked me what they all meant to me I'd have told you that they were my soulmates. All of them.

Not in the Married with kids way. But I genuinely believed and wanted to spend my life with those people.

I'm not really friends with most of them anymore. We grew up and moved on.

Some of my relationships faded with distance. Some ended in hurt and confusion.

Even the relationships that I still have with these people have evolved and changed so much that my 18 year old self wouldn't recognize them.

I've spent a lot of time feeling sad about the end of these relationships. Even more time spent feeling bitter about change in general.

But I really liked being able to read about what I loved about them.

Because when friendships end, it can be really hard to remember the great times.

And my little group of soulmates? We had so many great times.

We had sleepovers that consisted of very little sleep and a whole lot of love.

We had hangouts where we laughed until our ribs ached.

There were endless amounts of laughter and smiling and even tears.

We were so important to eachother. We loved eachother in a way that confused a lot of people.

We loved eachother completely, in a way that I've never seen in a group of friends before.

Unfortunately a love that complex leads to a crazy amount of vulnerability. And my little group of friends? Were almost as good at hurting eachother as we were at loving eachother.

Even with the way that most of the relationships ended, I wouldn't change a thing.

I can't imagine ever loving a group of people the way I loved my little group of soulmates. And friends or not, I will always love them. Because soulmates? They're forever.

Smolly Woodford

So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend.

__Coward__

I don't like my life very much anymore.
I'm not sure if I ever really have.
I'm not a happy person generally, really pessimistic the majority of the time.

I'm really into escapism these days,
I read books, I watch movies, I listen to music that reflects the way that I feel,
The music reflects my thoughts,
But only if you're really listening for it.

I do things to distract from my own life,
The ever-growing list of problems to deal with.

Escaping feels safer, not safe exactly, just safer.
Like I can lie to myself for a few hours,
Even if no one else is buying it.
And I'm really starting to wonder if anyone does,
Buy it, that is.

I've never been a very good liar,
My eyes tell what my words won't say.
So maybe it would be better, easier if I would just tell them.
But what would I say?

I've been lying, to them and myself for too long,
To even know how to word how I feel.
He probably understands better than I do.
The way his eyes flash when they meet mine,
Tells me that He at least isn't buying it,
My lame attempt at Okayness.

But it would hurt them all alot more,
To actually know, instead of merely assuming.
They'd worry,
Or at least he would.

The words would only cut,
The tears would sting the wounds I had caused.

So perhaps silence is better,
How easily it is to justify my cowardice.

I feel like i'm no longer an active participant in my life

Drifting
from one breath
to the next

Running
from one place
to another

Dreaming
of another life
an easier path

Escaping
to a life
that just isn't mine

Sleeping
through it all
just to dream of something better

Smiling
through the haze
to satisfy your feelings

Drowning
as i struggle
to find myself again.

It feels like home to me

There's something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself
in your heart,

There's something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long
I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down on lumdard street
And a siren rings in the night

But I'm all right cuz I have you here with me,
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Well if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch

if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

I just really love this song

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You know how sometimes you hear or see something that just moves you?
Maybe it's just been an emotional couple of months for me, but I find myself getting sentimental alot more often.
I was watching a movie that ended with this song and it was just very sad. It's an incredibly beautiful song by Regina Spektor called "The call." There's something about it that is just so incredibly sad but beautiful. I find myself thinking about the future alot lately. I don't know what i'll do with my life or who i'll share it with. I realise that I dont have alot of female friends which scares me alot. I used to enjoy having only male friends, but when we're all grown up and married, I wont have them anymore...it's just not proper right? Mainly, the future just scares me.
I watched "Twilight" a couple weeks ago and it was like this song. I was thinking about it for weeks afterwards. It stuck with me and had me feeling sentimental. I've never been overly into chickflicks..but this was so much more. It gives hope, which I know sounds corny. But if they could make it work, eventually I can too right? It's a story about the kind of Love that every person should wait for. But then I remember that most marriages end in divorce, not to mention the doubt that there is actually one person out there me. I've just been thinking about it alot. I've always prided myself on not needing a boyfriend, but the older I get the less important that is. I dont want to be telling my cats in 50 years that I never needed a man, do I? A funny thought, but a sobering one.
Alot of the people I grew up with are getting married or will be within a few years, and I guess i'm kind of jealous, because i'm so afraid of my future, and they're so sure.

Goodbye

I'm really sorry I didnt say goodbye.
I've been home for months and I never stopped by.
You deserved better.
You adopted me as a grandchild and right now I dont feel like I really deserved it.
I'm so sorry.
I knew you were in pain, and I couldn't be brave for long enough to visit.
It was selfish and I'll always regret it.
I knew I would.
I said today that I should visit.
I could've made something of those few hours between then and now.
But I didnt.
And now you're gone.
Funny how that works.
It's probably best that this isn't on paper or it wouldnt be legible through the tear marks.
Instead I'm reading this back through blurry eyes,
Filled with a regret so deep I can't imagine smiling again.
I was selfish and cowardly and I didnt say goodbye.
You were strong, and you fought so bravely.
You beat it so many times and I never told you I was proud of you.
I should've called this summer.
I had the number I was just afraid to dial.
I was scared to say goodbye, and now i'll never be able to.
I'm so sorry Leo, thanks for loving me, even though i clearly didnt deserve it.
I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, I love you.

Changes.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. I started university.....the verdict is in and i hate it. I had hoped that when people said it was nothing like high school that they were right. But it's still the same people (a couple years older, yet no nicer) the same boring classes. I've also stepped up in the youth group. I'm running Wild Truth and (trying) to run a bible study. I took a group of kids to SYC this weekend which was a scary and amazing experience. It was so weird being the person in charge but really cool to be the person that kids trusted just coz. Well i'm going to ask to be paid for what i'm doing in the youth group but i'm really worried about the outcome. I love the work i'm doing but i cant afford to do it for free. So it's a job or this. I just pray that it goes well. Thats it for now i guess.

Dude, God, need you in on this one.
I need the strength to pull this one off.
Let me forget me and myself in this situation,
So i can be the friend i need to be.
Help me forsake my selfishness and "needs"
Give me the words and wisdom to help on this one.
Or maybe, you can take this one...
Sincerely yours,
Chelle