Right now i'm feeling...sad? melancholy? disappointed?
I can't pinpoint the exact emotion but it's not a great one.
I was bored and on facebook at 1 am...big surprise
and i saw that Tyler had added a picture to the group Nanaimo Christian School.
I didnt know that the group existed
Funny story...i went to NCS from grade 7 through grade 9
and i've for some reason tried to block out those memories.
I wasn't unhappy...so much as not sure of my place.
I started going there literally weeks after my parents seperated and i was angry.
I was an instant hit with the guys....the girls not so much.
But i was a angry confused 13 year old
and like ben so nicely told me "You have a great first impression 'chelle, you're hot, but you're kind of a bitch"
I wasn't really.
I didnt understand why things had changed.
So i wasnt overly nice. I acted bitchy but that wasnt who i was.
In grade 8 i was me again, i dealt with my issues and moved past it, but i still didnt know who i was.
The girls still didnt like me. A few in particular just despised me.
So i hung out with the guys, and in turn crushed on half of them at one point.
I never really figured out my place there.
And when i left NCS to follow my "bestfriend" to ndss, i was more confused about who i was than ever.
I was beautiful. I was thin and pretty and smart.
But i thought i was fat ugly and stupid.
I left NCS, broken and without a solid identity.
I had to start all over again without knowing anyone
and took classes with the kids who bullied me in grade 4-6, the ones who robbed me of my identity in the first place.
I hated high school, both of them
I didnt realise who i was until i was graduated.
I did my best not to think about high school, but especially not NCS,
Because i feel like a failure everytime i do.
I left there and i dont have relationships with any of those people.
I was looking at the pictures of NCS and the pictures of my grad class, or at least the class i would have graduated with had i stayed.
I read the conversations below, and they all talked about how close they were
and how happy they are that they were all friends
and it stung. alot.
I doubt that in 10 years anyone from either school will remember who i was.
Because i didnt know who i was...
When you whisper you want this, and your eyes tell the same.
Simply Me
1 comment:
thanks crescenet for that meaningful comment you left lol.
My comment is way deeper I promise.
Even though you didn't or don't have a relationship with those people, in the long run if you look at it i don't think it really matters because from what it sounded like is that they didn't really make an impression on you. You developed into who you are now on your own and with some great christian influences at church and camp. I definitely don't even mind that at all :) i love you who you are now and I don't want you to change because your one of the most solid people i know and i tend to drift from here to there in who i am occasionaly and i need people like you to hole me to who I am. You might possibly now me the best and who i truly am from when we first met at camp. I have never felt more at home and comfortable with who I am than when i'm around you. :)
Post a Comment