Memories

Right now i'm feeling...sad? melancholy? disappointed?
I can't pinpoint the exact emotion but it's not a great one.
I was bored and on facebook at 1 am...big surprise
and i saw that Tyler had added a picture to the group Nanaimo Christian School.
I didnt know that the group existed

Funny story...i went to NCS from grade 7 through grade 9
and i've for some reason tried to block out those memories.
I wasn't unhappy...so much as not sure of my place.
I started going there literally weeks after my parents seperated and i was angry.
I was an instant hit with the guys....the girls not so much.
But i was a angry confused 13 year old
and like ben so nicely told me "You have a great first impression 'chelle, you're hot, but you're kind of a bitch"
I wasn't really.
I didnt understand why things had changed.
So i wasnt overly nice. I acted bitchy but that wasnt who i was.

In grade 8 i was me again, i dealt with my issues and moved past it, but i still didnt know who i was.
The girls still didnt like me. A few in particular just despised me.
So i hung out with the guys, and in turn crushed on half of them at one point.
I never really figured out my place there.
And when i left NCS to follow my "bestfriend" to ndss, i was more confused about who i was than ever.

I was beautiful. I was thin and pretty and smart.
But i thought i was fat ugly and stupid.
I left NCS, broken and without a solid identity.
I had to start all over again without knowing anyone
and took classes with the kids who bullied me in grade 4-6, the ones who robbed me of my identity in the first place.

I hated high school, both of them
I didnt realise who i was until i was graduated.
I did my best not to think about high school, but especially not NCS,
Because i feel like a failure everytime i do.
I left there and i dont have relationships with any of those people.

I was looking at the pictures of NCS and the pictures of my grad class, or at least the class i would have graduated with had i stayed.
I read the conversations below, and they all talked about how close they were
and how happy they are that they were all friends
and it stung. alot.

I doubt that in 10 years anyone from either school will remember who i was.
Because i didnt know who i was...

romeo and juliet life-size

"Probably the best part was cheering Michelle up with Tyler, and him telling her that they are like Romeo and Juliet ("You can NEVER leave me. If you do it'll be like Romeo and Juliet. You'll die, and then I'll kill myself, and you will wake up and then see me dead and kill yourself." "Uh... thanks?" "You are my JULIET! Deal with it.") and him telling her that if his future wife doesn't like Michelle, he's taking back the ring." -Molly Woodford.

I never thought i'd be someone's Juliet, even non-romantically

Reunited with Sunrise...only to be torn apart yet again...

This weekend was pretty incredible. It didnt start well but everything ended up great.
I saw friends i haven't seen since the summer...which seems like forever ago by the way.
It was good. The worship band Fly Sparrow Fly, is amazing. Chris janzen is so effing talented.
Luke Nielson has the most amazing voice, I could honestly just listen to him forever.
The war college kids ran a prayer walk for human trafficking..which was a theme this weekend.
I'm pretty ashamed about how oblivious i've been to it all. I think it was just easier to "not realise" or in all honesty just not think about it all. Which is incredibly selfish.
The shirts we sold at camp came from child labour and sweat shops, that's a slap in the face.
You cant hear about the things we heard about this weekend without wanting to do something.
Tyler decided not to wear anything that isnt fair trade and i think that's pretty incredible.
But lately thats the only way to describe him. I'm so proud of the person and the leader he's become. He is one of the most selfless people i know, and easily the best friend i have ever had. He speaks to people with confidence, but not arrogance which i have to give him props for. And he leads so easily, people want to follow him without him asking. He's a role model and a strong christian. He tells it how it is, as bluntly as he needs to, even to me.
He flat out told me not to sit around accepting my burdens and really do something about it. I respect him for that. Most others would rather put all their effort into making me happy short term. He's more interested in making me take responsibility and be as strong as he knows i can be. And i have nothing but respect for that. He's younger than me but i look up to him. He told me this weekend it hurts him to see me cry, and he's not the first person who's said that. Molly says it's the way i cry, and the sound of it. But i think that i usually hold up as strong as i can, that when i finally do cry, it's because it's impossible to hold it in anymore. I think it scares my friends to see me that vulnerable. It's also kind of amazing to realise how truly loved i am, because sometimes it's easy to forget.

Random lyrics that I like.

"And I need you like a heart needs a beat"
- One Republic "Apologize"

So I'd be lying if I said I dont listen to this song on repeat. These guys are hot, better than a boy band but still a boy band. The lyrics are ok, and I just thought this was the corniest line ever.

"Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet"
- Faber Drive "Tongue Tied"

Also another song on my playlist. This line really doesnt fit with the rest of the song...but I like it all the same.

"I wanna lock you up in my closet, when no one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket, because you're allowed
I wanna drive you into the corner, and kiss you without a sound"
- Avril Lavigne "Hot"

K, so the song's all about sex and is totally ridiculous. But I've been singing those first 3 lines over and over again all week. Avril Lavigne in that classy way of hers has written a song that I cant get out of my head. This song is also on my playlist...Don't judge me.

"A bit unassured, A bit insecure
And your walls fall down"
- Bedoin Soundclash "Walls Fall Down"

Listen to his voice and that fact that the lyrics to this song either suck or don't make sense doesn't matter at all. I love the way he sings every syllable.

I went for my N test this week and passed.
I was pretty psyched about life.
I drove everywhere for two days.
I also made up with a couple of friends i wasn't getting along with,
And that's always awesome.
But now the boredom has set in.
I read alot, and i looked forward all week for the gossip girl premiere.
I've read the books and it's not very similar,
But the new direction is good i guess.
My sister ever the lover of drama was totally excited about the new show.
Sarah: I'm so excited! I love this show! And all the Drama!
Michelle: Don't you have enough drama in your life Sarah?
Sarah: Michelle! I dont know anyone who's slept with their bestfriend's boyfriend!
(In a tone that indicated disappointment, of all things.)
Michelle: That's a good thing!

First Kiss

"...will I close my eyes
will I hold my breath
will I wanna cry
will our souls connect?
...gonna say now
I can picture it all,
inside my head
just how it's going to feel
but a girl can only dream so much
now she wants to make it real
- make it real..."

These are lyrics from a Mandy Moore song.
The music is catchy, yet slightly annoying.
The lyrics are corny and totally juvenile,
considering she's twenty something.
Yet it's a funny subject.
Every girl imagines their first kiss.
She obviously took it to the extreme.
Everyone remembers their first kiss.
Usually with a grimace.
They're hyped up to be incredible.
But they're usually awkward and embarrassing.
Which is probably why i laugh when i listen to this song.
Well I laugh until her voice gets whiny and I change the song.
I just thought i'd blog about it,
because i hate and like this song.
I still havent figured out what i like about it yet.

That thing when anger becomes indifference...

It's just one of those things,
One of those feelings,
That whether righteous or not,
Can't last forever.
It feels good,
It feels right,
But it's not,
So there's guilt there.
Whether expressed or not,
It lays beneath the surface,
Ready to rear it's head,
It's ugly head.
Time goes on,
Common sense prevails,
Or you simply give up.
You raise your hands,
You wave the white flag,
And you say "You win."
Suddenly the anger lessens,
And the pain increases.
But only beneath the surface,
Where no one else can see it.
No one else can feel it.
You sigh and pretend,
For their benefit,
That everything's ok.
Making them happy,
Even if you're not.
They wont know the difference,
They simply don't care.
And it's so inevitable.
When anger becomes indifference.

JOSH MILLS

Earlier this evening
aka 1 minute ago
josh mills complained about a brief mention in my blog
so this one will not be so brief
Josh mills is a funny guy
With usually awesome hair...
these days....not so much
but i dont hold it against him....most of the time
he goes by the undercover name of Slothman
Together he and I Koalababe fight crime one mudshark at a time
I anticipate his next visit very much.
Hopefully this will please him
And he wont be insulted by a brief mention again
P.S I heart him x a million
no bigs.

Caitlyn left for DTES the other day...It's not real yet i dont think. If i went to church tomorow then it would be, but i think since i'm at my dad's it wont be happening. I went into NYSA yesterday and the lady there helped me think about my future. I'm thinking about nursing. I'm good with people and i really love helping people out so i think it's a good fit. Josh was a little bummed that i wont be going to the war college, but i really dont think it's the place for me. I know i would help people down there but i'll be helping people by doing this too. It pays well lol apparently alot more than i ever thought,my mom laughed at my naivity today when i asked if i'd get paid about $15an hour because to me that's alot. She laughed and said at least $30 an hour. I dont hate it. Plus there's this sweet deal that if you work in a smaller community for a year the government will forgive 20% of my student loans! That means 5 years of work in parksville or ladysmith and i'd have university paid for! It also means i can afford a car and not have to drive around in my mom's tin can on wheels. Well i'm excited about it instead of dreading growing up and that's a great feeling.

Home at last.

I'm not gonna lie, I had an incredible summer. Hung out with some of the coolest kids from various situations and made some incredible friends. i had the best VBS team in the history of the world. Jen Champ was the leader and one of the funniest people I know. Her bestfriend Chantelle Gordon was on our team too and the two of them always made things more interesting. Percy and i were in Xlr8 together but only really became good friends this summer. Jessica is crazy but an incredible person. And Tyler is my bestfriend. Our team rarely had fights and always had a good time and i think we all had a crazy shopping addiction because we went to different malls or stores every single day. Time at camp was fun too. I loved councelling and despite personailty differences between me and some of the people i councelled with, i had some great kids come through my cabin and the best LITS anyone could ever ask for. I met Josh mills who is pretty much the funniest person i've ever met. We clicked right away and are really great friends now, too bad he lives in langley... I miss camp. It represents so many great things for me. It's a place to get away and have total God time and meet incredible people. I'm home now and i'm happy to be back with my friends. I'm psyched because my friendships with Mike and Tyler grew so much stronger over the summer. I'm sad that Caitlyn is leaving but so excited about the things she's going to do down in Dtes. Molly is my angel and i didnt realise how much i missed her until i got back. She's just one of those friends who you love all of the days. My other friends have been amazing too. I've been busy hanging out since i got home. Some of them are going back to school and i guess i need to get a job until i decide what i'm doing. Not so sure what the next year or so holds for me but there's nowhere i'd rather be while i figure it out.