Memories

Right now i'm feeling...sad? melancholy? disappointed?
I can't pinpoint the exact emotion but it's not a great one.
I was bored and on facebook at 1 am...big surprise
and i saw that Tyler had added a picture to the group Nanaimo Christian School.
I didnt know that the group existed

Funny story...i went to NCS from grade 7 through grade 9
and i've for some reason tried to block out those memories.
I wasn't unhappy...so much as not sure of my place.
I started going there literally weeks after my parents seperated and i was angry.
I was an instant hit with the guys....the girls not so much.
But i was a angry confused 13 year old
and like ben so nicely told me "You have a great first impression 'chelle, you're hot, but you're kind of a bitch"
I wasn't really.
I didnt understand why things had changed.
So i wasnt overly nice. I acted bitchy but that wasnt who i was.

In grade 8 i was me again, i dealt with my issues and moved past it, but i still didnt know who i was.
The girls still didnt like me. A few in particular just despised me.
So i hung out with the guys, and in turn crushed on half of them at one point.
I never really figured out my place there.
And when i left NCS to follow my "bestfriend" to ndss, i was more confused about who i was than ever.

I was beautiful. I was thin and pretty and smart.
But i thought i was fat ugly and stupid.
I left NCS, broken and without a solid identity.
I had to start all over again without knowing anyone
and took classes with the kids who bullied me in grade 4-6, the ones who robbed me of my identity in the first place.

I hated high school, both of them
I didnt realise who i was until i was graduated.
I did my best not to think about high school, but especially not NCS,
Because i feel like a failure everytime i do.
I left there and i dont have relationships with any of those people.

I was looking at the pictures of NCS and the pictures of my grad class, or at least the class i would have graduated with had i stayed.
I read the conversations below, and they all talked about how close they were
and how happy they are that they were all friends
and it stung. alot.

I doubt that in 10 years anyone from either school will remember who i was.
Because i didnt know who i was...