It feels like home to me

There's something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself
in your heart,

There's something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long
I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down on lumdard street
And a siren rings in the night

But I'm all right cuz I have you here with me,
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Well if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch

if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

I just really love this song

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You know how sometimes you hear or see something that just moves you?
Maybe it's just been an emotional couple of months for me, but I find myself getting sentimental alot more often.
I was watching a movie that ended with this song and it was just very sad. It's an incredibly beautiful song by Regina Spektor called "The call." There's something about it that is just so incredibly sad but beautiful. I find myself thinking about the future alot lately. I don't know what i'll do with my life or who i'll share it with. I realise that I dont have alot of female friends which scares me alot. I used to enjoy having only male friends, but when we're all grown up and married, I wont have them anymore...it's just not proper right? Mainly, the future just scares me.
I watched "Twilight" a couple weeks ago and it was like this song. I was thinking about it for weeks afterwards. It stuck with me and had me feeling sentimental. I've never been overly into chickflicks..but this was so much more. It gives hope, which I know sounds corny. But if they could make it work, eventually I can too right? It's a story about the kind of Love that every person should wait for. But then I remember that most marriages end in divorce, not to mention the doubt that there is actually one person out there me. I've just been thinking about it alot. I've always prided myself on not needing a boyfriend, but the older I get the less important that is. I dont want to be telling my cats in 50 years that I never needed a man, do I? A funny thought, but a sobering one.
Alot of the people I grew up with are getting married or will be within a few years, and I guess i'm kind of jealous, because i'm so afraid of my future, and they're so sure.

Goodbye

I'm really sorry I didnt say goodbye.
I've been home for months and I never stopped by.
You deserved better.
You adopted me as a grandchild and right now I dont feel like I really deserved it.
I'm so sorry.
I knew you were in pain, and I couldn't be brave for long enough to visit.
It was selfish and I'll always regret it.
I knew I would.
I said today that I should visit.
I could've made something of those few hours between then and now.
But I didnt.
And now you're gone.
Funny how that works.
It's probably best that this isn't on paper or it wouldnt be legible through the tear marks.
Instead I'm reading this back through blurry eyes,
Filled with a regret so deep I can't imagine smiling again.
I was selfish and cowardly and I didnt say goodbye.
You were strong, and you fought so bravely.
You beat it so many times and I never told you I was proud of you.
I should've called this summer.
I had the number I was just afraid to dial.
I was scared to say goodbye, and now i'll never be able to.
I'm so sorry Leo, thanks for loving me, even though i clearly didnt deserve it.
I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, I love you.

Changes.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. I started university.....the verdict is in and i hate it. I had hoped that when people said it was nothing like high school that they were right. But it's still the same people (a couple years older, yet no nicer) the same boring classes. I've also stepped up in the youth group. I'm running Wild Truth and (trying) to run a bible study. I took a group of kids to SYC this weekend which was a scary and amazing experience. It was so weird being the person in charge but really cool to be the person that kids trusted just coz. Well i'm going to ask to be paid for what i'm doing in the youth group but i'm really worried about the outcome. I love the work i'm doing but i cant afford to do it for free. So it's a job or this. I just pray that it goes well. Thats it for now i guess.

Dude, God, need you in on this one.
I need the strength to pull this one off.
Let me forget me and myself in this situation,
So i can be the friend i need to be.
Help me forsake my selfishness and "needs"
Give me the words and wisdom to help on this one.
Or maybe, you can take this one...
Sincerely yours,
Chelle

Change

So I guess I've always been really afraid of change.
By the age of 7 I had moved too many times, said goodbye way too many times.
I was really good at packing up everything and moving on.
I dont know if that was a good thing or not.
I guess short term it was a good thing, I didnt cry for very long or pine for old friendships and locations.
Long term it sort of messed me up.
Once we settled here, I realised how much change sucked and didnt want to do it anymore.
I usually go with the flow but really, change scares me.
I hate when my relationships change or when people leave,
and people always leave.
People cant stay here in one place to suit my comfort.
But wouldnt it be cool if they could?
Alot has changed around me lately.
Ive changed...so much
I somehow worked up the courage to be honest about things I've been afraid of voicing for years.
Which is kind of cool, but now I'm stuck dealing with the consequences.
My relationships are changing and I'm changing some more, and it's unreal.
I dont like it, but I guess I'm accepting it.
It's scary to let go of people who have always been here,
but I find that I'm preparing to do that because of the choices I've made lately.
I'm in such a weird almost emotionless place right now.
I've cried and yelled so much in the last couple of weeks that i'm almost numb.
Not bad numb, not emo numb.
Just unable to spare the unneccessary emotion for this drama.
These dramas.
I dont really know where I'm going with this anymore.
Maybe I'm just not sure where I'm going anymore.

i know this is my third blog tonight

I know this is my third blog tonight,
But i've just got so much on my mind.
I just love my friends so effing much.
I love Molly and the way she's just such a big part of my life. She is just so funny and she adds to every conversation and situation in a way no one else could. I love how we talk for a couple hours a day. And if we go out we go home and talk some more on msn. She loves people even when they dont deserve it, and she just is so fun, even when she's grumpy. I love her more than sandwiches!
I love Tyler and everything about him. I love every moment i spend with him and how we can do absolutely nothing and still have the best time. I love how he keeps me grounded and how he needs me to do the same thing for him. His friendship is one of the most valuable things god has ever given me. I'm so proud of the person he's become and the obstacles he's jumped.
I love josh mills and the way he has of popping up when i need someone, even when i dont know i need him. I love the bible conversations we have and how we just love eachother. He can encourage like no other and i cant wait for the summer when i can see him everyday.
I love Carlye and all of her quirks and our STUPID inside jokes. I also love her red hair...
I love shawn and everything he has done for me. I love the way he has with people but with youth in particular. I love sitting at tim hortons with him just listening to us talking with a smile on his face. And i love above all else his commitment to his family.
Josh Reno, oh man, what a guy. He's grown so much and i'm crazy about him. He is going to crazy things with his life. He's already such a leader.
Sarah Packwood. I adore her with everything in me. She is sweet and funny and lovable and loving. If i could live with one person she would defs be up there.
Mike Anderson, I love him most of all. I've grown up with him and watched him become this incredible person. I'm so proud of the person he's become, and i love listening to him when he gets talking about god. God is already doing crazy things through him, and despite his "spiritual gift of being a dick" i think he's an incredible friend. I wish people would look past his talent and his looks and really get to know who he is. Because he is so much more. Haha a wild jaguar if you will...

Through your eyes

How do you really see me?
Through the camera lens that adds 10 pounds and distorts my colour?
Through the rose coloured glasses that take away all of my faults?
What about the carnival mirror that changes my shape and features?
Am i beautiful and important?
Or simple and plain?
Do my looks really matter?
If i was truly ugly would you love me just the same?
Am i the bestfriend?
The object of your affection?
Do you really know how you see me?
Does it really matter?
Does your heart skip a beat when i enter the room?
Do you even notice?
When i laugh do you smile?
Or do you cringe and think i'm annoying?
I could try and interpret the things that you say.
But to be honest i'll just never know.
I wish that you knew,
So that you could tell me.
Really who am i to you?

Mixed

So its been a long time and alot has happened.
Scott is no longer the youth pastor of neighbourhood church.
Shawn resigned as our youth pastor.
Its been a bit difficult this last month or so.
Alot of tears...to be honest.
But christmas was fantastic.
I have a job at superstore, which is actually a great job.
I rememorized the codes effortlessly.
Personally, i'm a bit of a mess.
Lately people have been telling me i'm really strong.
And they look up to me and i keep them accountable.
But who am i to keep them accountable?
I havent been able to find my bible, so i havent been reading.
Which is lame since i have a million bibles in my house.
And i want to start reading again, i do enjoy it.
And with shawn leaving i feel like i need to step up big time.
But i know that it would be disatrous if i'm not reading.
So i really need to get back into that.
I need to find my bible, because it's dumb but i really love my bible.
I love the notes and how wellused it is.
I also need someone to keep me accountable.
Thats about it for now.