Goodbye

I'm really sorry I didnt say goodbye.
I've been home for months and I never stopped by.
You deserved better.
You adopted me as a grandchild and right now I dont feel like I really deserved it.
I'm so sorry.
I knew you were in pain, and I couldn't be brave for long enough to visit.
It was selfish and I'll always regret it.
I knew I would.
I said today that I should visit.
I could've made something of those few hours between then and now.
But I didnt.
And now you're gone.
Funny how that works.
It's probably best that this isn't on paper or it wouldnt be legible through the tear marks.
Instead I'm reading this back through blurry eyes,
Filled with a regret so deep I can't imagine smiling again.
I was selfish and cowardly and I didnt say goodbye.
You were strong, and you fought so bravely.
You beat it so many times and I never told you I was proud of you.
I should've called this summer.
I had the number I was just afraid to dial.
I was scared to say goodbye, and now i'll never be able to.
I'm so sorry Leo, thanks for loving me, even though i clearly didnt deserve it.
I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, I love you.