Goodbye

I'm really sorry I didnt say goodbye.
I've been home for months and I never stopped by.
You deserved better.
You adopted me as a grandchild and right now I dont feel like I really deserved it.
I'm so sorry.
I knew you were in pain, and I couldn't be brave for long enough to visit.
It was selfish and I'll always regret it.
I knew I would.
I said today that I should visit.
I could've made something of those few hours between then and now.
But I didnt.
And now you're gone.
Funny how that works.
It's probably best that this isn't on paper or it wouldnt be legible through the tear marks.
Instead I'm reading this back through blurry eyes,
Filled with a regret so deep I can't imagine smiling again.
I was selfish and cowardly and I didnt say goodbye.
You were strong, and you fought so bravely.
You beat it so many times and I never told you I was proud of you.
I should've called this summer.
I had the number I was just afraid to dial.
I was scared to say goodbye, and now i'll never be able to.
I'm so sorry Leo, thanks for loving me, even though i clearly didnt deserve it.
I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, I love you.

Changes.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. I started university.....the verdict is in and i hate it. I had hoped that when people said it was nothing like high school that they were right. But it's still the same people (a couple years older, yet no nicer) the same boring classes. I've also stepped up in the youth group. I'm running Wild Truth and (trying) to run a bible study. I took a group of kids to SYC this weekend which was a scary and amazing experience. It was so weird being the person in charge but really cool to be the person that kids trusted just coz. Well i'm going to ask to be paid for what i'm doing in the youth group but i'm really worried about the outcome. I love the work i'm doing but i cant afford to do it for free. So it's a job or this. I just pray that it goes well. Thats it for now i guess.

Dude, God, need you in on this one.
I need the strength to pull this one off.
Let me forget me and myself in this situation,
So i can be the friend i need to be.
Help me forsake my selfishness and "needs"
Give me the words and wisdom to help on this one.
Or maybe, you can take this one...
Sincerely yours,
Chelle

Change

So I guess I've always been really afraid of change.
By the age of 7 I had moved too many times, said goodbye way too many times.
I was really good at packing up everything and moving on.
I dont know if that was a good thing or not.
I guess short term it was a good thing, I didnt cry for very long or pine for old friendships and locations.
Long term it sort of messed me up.
Once we settled here, I realised how much change sucked and didnt want to do it anymore.
I usually go with the flow but really, change scares me.
I hate when my relationships change or when people leave,
and people always leave.
People cant stay here in one place to suit my comfort.
But wouldnt it be cool if they could?
Alot has changed around me lately.
Ive changed...so much
I somehow worked up the courage to be honest about things I've been afraid of voicing for years.
Which is kind of cool, but now I'm stuck dealing with the consequences.
My relationships are changing and I'm changing some more, and it's unreal.
I dont like it, but I guess I'm accepting it.
It's scary to let go of people who have always been here,
but I find that I'm preparing to do that because of the choices I've made lately.
I'm in such a weird almost emotionless place right now.
I've cried and yelled so much in the last couple of weeks that i'm almost numb.
Not bad numb, not emo numb.
Just unable to spare the unneccessary emotion for this drama.
These dramas.
I dont really know where I'm going with this anymore.
Maybe I'm just not sure where I'm going anymore.

i know this is my third blog tonight

I know this is my third blog tonight,
But i've just got so much on my mind.
I just love my friends so effing much.
I love Molly and the way she's just such a big part of my life. She is just so funny and she adds to every conversation and situation in a way no one else could. I love how we talk for a couple hours a day. And if we go out we go home and talk some more on msn. She loves people even when they dont deserve it, and she just is so fun, even when she's grumpy. I love her more than sandwiches!
I love Tyler and everything about him. I love every moment i spend with him and how we can do absolutely nothing and still have the best time. I love how he keeps me grounded and how he needs me to do the same thing for him. His friendship is one of the most valuable things god has ever given me. I'm so proud of the person he's become and the obstacles he's jumped.
I love josh mills and the way he has of popping up when i need someone, even when i dont know i need him. I love the bible conversations we have and how we just love eachother. He can encourage like no other and i cant wait for the summer when i can see him everyday.
I love Carlye and all of her quirks and our STUPID inside jokes. I also love her red hair...
I love shawn and everything he has done for me. I love the way he has with people but with youth in particular. I love sitting at tim hortons with him just listening to us talking with a smile on his face. And i love above all else his commitment to his family.
Josh Reno, oh man, what a guy. He's grown so much and i'm crazy about him. He is going to crazy things with his life. He's already such a leader.
Sarah Packwood. I adore her with everything in me. She is sweet and funny and lovable and loving. If i could live with one person she would defs be up there.
Mike Anderson, I love him most of all. I've grown up with him and watched him become this incredible person. I'm so proud of the person he's become, and i love listening to him when he gets talking about god. God is already doing crazy things through him, and despite his "spiritual gift of being a dick" i think he's an incredible friend. I wish people would look past his talent and his looks and really get to know who he is. Because he is so much more. Haha a wild jaguar if you will...

Through your eyes

How do you really see me?
Through the camera lens that adds 10 pounds and distorts my colour?
Through the rose coloured glasses that take away all of my faults?
What about the carnival mirror that changes my shape and features?
Am i beautiful and important?
Or simple and plain?
Do my looks really matter?
If i was truly ugly would you love me just the same?
Am i the bestfriend?
The object of your affection?
Do you really know how you see me?
Does it really matter?
Does your heart skip a beat when i enter the room?
Do you even notice?
When i laugh do you smile?
Or do you cringe and think i'm annoying?
I could try and interpret the things that you say.
But to be honest i'll just never know.
I wish that you knew,
So that you could tell me.
Really who am i to you?

Mixed

So its been a long time and alot has happened.
Scott is no longer the youth pastor of neighbourhood church.
Shawn resigned as our youth pastor.
Its been a bit difficult this last month or so.
Alot of tears...to be honest.
But christmas was fantastic.
I have a job at superstore, which is actually a great job.
I rememorized the codes effortlessly.
Personally, i'm a bit of a mess.
Lately people have been telling me i'm really strong.
And they look up to me and i keep them accountable.
But who am i to keep them accountable?
I havent been able to find my bible, so i havent been reading.
Which is lame since i have a million bibles in my house.
And i want to start reading again, i do enjoy it.
And with shawn leaving i feel like i need to step up big time.
But i know that it would be disatrous if i'm not reading.
So i really need to get back into that.
I need to find my bible, because it's dumb but i really love my bible.
I love the notes and how wellused it is.
I also need someone to keep me accountable.
Thats about it for now.

Memories

Right now i'm feeling...sad? melancholy? disappointed?
I can't pinpoint the exact emotion but it's not a great one.
I was bored and on facebook at 1 am...big surprise
and i saw that Tyler had added a picture to the group Nanaimo Christian School.
I didnt know that the group existed

Funny story...i went to NCS from grade 7 through grade 9
and i've for some reason tried to block out those memories.
I wasn't unhappy...so much as not sure of my place.
I started going there literally weeks after my parents seperated and i was angry.
I was an instant hit with the guys....the girls not so much.
But i was a angry confused 13 year old
and like ben so nicely told me "You have a great first impression 'chelle, you're hot, but you're kind of a bitch"
I wasn't really.
I didnt understand why things had changed.
So i wasnt overly nice. I acted bitchy but that wasnt who i was.

In grade 8 i was me again, i dealt with my issues and moved past it, but i still didnt know who i was.
The girls still didnt like me. A few in particular just despised me.
So i hung out with the guys, and in turn crushed on half of them at one point.
I never really figured out my place there.
And when i left NCS to follow my "bestfriend" to ndss, i was more confused about who i was than ever.

I was beautiful. I was thin and pretty and smart.
But i thought i was fat ugly and stupid.
I left NCS, broken and without a solid identity.
I had to start all over again without knowing anyone
and took classes with the kids who bullied me in grade 4-6, the ones who robbed me of my identity in the first place.

I hated high school, both of them
I didnt realise who i was until i was graduated.
I did my best not to think about high school, but especially not NCS,
Because i feel like a failure everytime i do.
I left there and i dont have relationships with any of those people.

I was looking at the pictures of NCS and the pictures of my grad class, or at least the class i would have graduated with had i stayed.
I read the conversations below, and they all talked about how close they were
and how happy they are that they were all friends
and it stung. alot.

I doubt that in 10 years anyone from either school will remember who i was.
Because i didnt know who i was...

romeo and juliet life-size

"Probably the best part was cheering Michelle up with Tyler, and him telling her that they are like Romeo and Juliet ("You can NEVER leave me. If you do it'll be like Romeo and Juliet. You'll die, and then I'll kill myself, and you will wake up and then see me dead and kill yourself." "Uh... thanks?" "You are my JULIET! Deal with it.") and him telling her that if his future wife doesn't like Michelle, he's taking back the ring." -Molly Woodford.

I never thought i'd be someone's Juliet, even non-romantically

Reunited with Sunrise...only to be torn apart yet again...

This weekend was pretty incredible. It didnt start well but everything ended up great.
I saw friends i haven't seen since the summer...which seems like forever ago by the way.
It was good. The worship band Fly Sparrow Fly, is amazing. Chris janzen is so effing talented.
Luke Nielson has the most amazing voice, I could honestly just listen to him forever.
The war college kids ran a prayer walk for human trafficking..which was a theme this weekend.
I'm pretty ashamed about how oblivious i've been to it all. I think it was just easier to "not realise" or in all honesty just not think about it all. Which is incredibly selfish.
The shirts we sold at camp came from child labour and sweat shops, that's a slap in the face.
You cant hear about the things we heard about this weekend without wanting to do something.
Tyler decided not to wear anything that isnt fair trade and i think that's pretty incredible.
But lately thats the only way to describe him. I'm so proud of the person and the leader he's become. He is one of the most selfless people i know, and easily the best friend i have ever had. He speaks to people with confidence, but not arrogance which i have to give him props for. And he leads so easily, people want to follow him without him asking. He's a role model and a strong christian. He tells it how it is, as bluntly as he needs to, even to me.
He flat out told me not to sit around accepting my burdens and really do something about it. I respect him for that. Most others would rather put all their effort into making me happy short term. He's more interested in making me take responsibility and be as strong as he knows i can be. And i have nothing but respect for that. He's younger than me but i look up to him. He told me this weekend it hurts him to see me cry, and he's not the first person who's said that. Molly says it's the way i cry, and the sound of it. But i think that i usually hold up as strong as i can, that when i finally do cry, it's because it's impossible to hold it in anymore. I think it scares my friends to see me that vulnerable. It's also kind of amazing to realise how truly loved i am, because sometimes it's easy to forget.