Soulmates.

I was just reading over my blog and I'm amazed that I haven't posted in what seems like years.

It was actually a really cool experience reading over all of my old thoughts.

Some of them were juvenile and downright embarrassing.

But a lot of them were really cool.

I really enjoyed reading over how I felt about all of my friends.

5 years ago if someone had asked me what they all meant to me I'd have told you that they were my soulmates. All of them.

Not in the Married with kids way. But I genuinely believed and wanted to spend my life with those people.

I'm not really friends with most of them anymore. We grew up and moved on.

Some of my relationships faded with distance. Some ended in hurt and confusion.

Even the relationships that I still have with these people have evolved and changed so much that my 18 year old self wouldn't recognize them.

I've spent a lot of time feeling sad about the end of these relationships. Even more time spent feeling bitter about change in general.

But I really liked being able to read about what I loved about them.

Because when friendships end, it can be really hard to remember the great times.

And my little group of soulmates? We had so many great times.

We had sleepovers that consisted of very little sleep and a whole lot of love.

We had hangouts where we laughed until our ribs ached.

There were endless amounts of laughter and smiling and even tears.

We were so important to eachother. We loved eachother in a way that confused a lot of people.

We loved eachother completely, in a way that I've never seen in a group of friends before.

Unfortunately a love that complex leads to a crazy amount of vulnerability. And my little group of friends? Were almost as good at hurting eachother as we were at loving eachother.

Even with the way that most of the relationships ended, I wouldn't change a thing.

I can't imagine ever loving a group of people the way I loved my little group of soulmates. And friends or not, I will always love them. Because soulmates? They're forever.

Smolly Woodford

So today I was thinking about why Mols is my bestfriend. We fight alot and occasionally drive eachother crazy. But even during the worst fights when we didnt talk for months at a time I couldnt let go of our friendship completely. Today I realised why that is. No matter what, she just wants me to be happy. Nothing brings her more joy than when I'm happy or in a situation that will bring me epic amounts of joy. She'll support me through ridiculous crushes or schemes i concoct when my senses take leave/a very long holiday just in case it leads to something incredible for me. I once asked her why she jumps on every Michelle and (fill in the blank) bandwagon and she replied "I'm on the michelle bandwagon."
I've often said that I can't be bestfriends with girls, but Mols is a pretty amazing bestfriend.

__Coward__

I don't like my life very much anymore.
I'm not sure if I ever really have.
I'm not a happy person generally, really pessimistic the majority of the time.

I'm really into escapism these days,
I read books, I watch movies, I listen to music that reflects the way that I feel,
The music reflects my thoughts,
But only if you're really listening for it.

I do things to distract from my own life,
The ever-growing list of problems to deal with.

Escaping feels safer, not safe exactly, just safer.
Like I can lie to myself for a few hours,
Even if no one else is buying it.
And I'm really starting to wonder if anyone does,
Buy it, that is.

I've never been a very good liar,
My eyes tell what my words won't say.
So maybe it would be better, easier if I would just tell them.
But what would I say?

I've been lying, to them and myself for too long,
To even know how to word how I feel.
He probably understands better than I do.
The way his eyes flash when they meet mine,
Tells me that He at least isn't buying it,
My lame attempt at Okayness.

But it would hurt them all alot more,
To actually know, instead of merely assuming.
They'd worry,
Or at least he would.

The words would only cut,
The tears would sting the wounds I had caused.

So perhaps silence is better,
How easily it is to justify my cowardice.

I feel like i'm no longer an active participant in my life

Drifting
from one breath
to the next

Running
from one place
to another

Dreaming
of another life
an easier path

Escaping
to a life
that just isn't mine

Sleeping
through it all
just to dream of something better

Smiling
through the haze
to satisfy your feelings

Drowning
as i struggle
to find myself again.

It feels like home to me

There's something in your eyes
Makes me wanna lose my self,
Makes me wanna lose myself
in your heart,

There's something in your voice
That makes my heart beat fast
Hope this feeling lasts
For the rest of my life

If you knew how lonely
My life has been
And how long
I've been so alone

And if you knew how I wanted someone to come along
And change my life the way you've done

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong

A window breaks down on lumdard street
And a siren rings in the night

But I'm all right cuz I have you here with me,
And I can almost see through the dark there is light

Well if you knew how much this moment means to me
And how long I've waited for your touch

if you knew how happy you are making me
I never thought that I'd love anyone so much

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I come from

It feels like home to me
It feels like home to me
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong
It feels like I'm all the way back where I belong.

I just really love this song

It started out as a feeling
Which then grew into a hope
Which then turned into a quiet thought
Which then turned into a quiet word

And then that word grew louder and louder
'Til it was a battle cry

I'll come back
When you call me
No need to say goodbye

Just because everything's changing
Doesn't mean it's never
Been this way before

All you can do is try to know
Who your friends are
As you head off to the war

Pick a star on the dark horizon
And follow the light

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When it's over
No need to say good bye

Now we're back to the beginning
It's just a feeling and no one knows yet
But just because they can't feel it too
Doesn't mean that you have to forget

Let your memories grow stronger and stronger'
Til they're before your eyes

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You'll come back
When they call you
No need to say good bye

You know how sometimes you hear or see something that just moves you?
Maybe it's just been an emotional couple of months for me, but I find myself getting sentimental alot more often.
I was watching a movie that ended with this song and it was just very sad. It's an incredibly beautiful song by Regina Spektor called "The call." There's something about it that is just so incredibly sad but beautiful. I find myself thinking about the future alot lately. I don't know what i'll do with my life or who i'll share it with. I realise that I dont have alot of female friends which scares me alot. I used to enjoy having only male friends, but when we're all grown up and married, I wont have them anymore...it's just not proper right? Mainly, the future just scares me.
I watched "Twilight" a couple weeks ago and it was like this song. I was thinking about it for weeks afterwards. It stuck with me and had me feeling sentimental. I've never been overly into chickflicks..but this was so much more. It gives hope, which I know sounds corny. But if they could make it work, eventually I can too right? It's a story about the kind of Love that every person should wait for. But then I remember that most marriages end in divorce, not to mention the doubt that there is actually one person out there me. I've just been thinking about it alot. I've always prided myself on not needing a boyfriend, but the older I get the less important that is. I dont want to be telling my cats in 50 years that I never needed a man, do I? A funny thought, but a sobering one.
Alot of the people I grew up with are getting married or will be within a few years, and I guess i'm kind of jealous, because i'm so afraid of my future, and they're so sure.

Goodbye

I'm really sorry I didnt say goodbye.
I've been home for months and I never stopped by.
You deserved better.
You adopted me as a grandchild and right now I dont feel like I really deserved it.
I'm so sorry.
I knew you were in pain, and I couldn't be brave for long enough to visit.
It was selfish and I'll always regret it.
I knew I would.
I said today that I should visit.
I could've made something of those few hours between then and now.
But I didnt.
And now you're gone.
Funny how that works.
It's probably best that this isn't on paper or it wouldnt be legible through the tear marks.
Instead I'm reading this back through blurry eyes,
Filled with a regret so deep I can't imagine smiling again.
I was selfish and cowardly and I didnt say goodbye.
You were strong, and you fought so bravely.
You beat it so many times and I never told you I was proud of you.
I should've called this summer.
I had the number I was just afraid to dial.
I was scared to say goodbye, and now i'll never be able to.
I'm so sorry Leo, thanks for loving me, even though i clearly didnt deserve it.
I'm happy you're not in pain anymore, I love you.

Changes.

Things have been pretty hectic lately. I started university.....the verdict is in and i hate it. I had hoped that when people said it was nothing like high school that they were right. But it's still the same people (a couple years older, yet no nicer) the same boring classes. I've also stepped up in the youth group. I'm running Wild Truth and (trying) to run a bible study. I took a group of kids to SYC this weekend which was a scary and amazing experience. It was so weird being the person in charge but really cool to be the person that kids trusted just coz. Well i'm going to ask to be paid for what i'm doing in the youth group but i'm really worried about the outcome. I love the work i'm doing but i cant afford to do it for free. So it's a job or this. I just pray that it goes well. Thats it for now i guess.

Dude, God, need you in on this one.
I need the strength to pull this one off.
Let me forget me and myself in this situation,
So i can be the friend i need to be.
Help me forsake my selfishness and "needs"
Give me the words and wisdom to help on this one.
Or maybe, you can take this one...
Sincerely yours,
Chelle

Change

So I guess I've always been really afraid of change.
By the age of 7 I had moved too many times, said goodbye way too many times.
I was really good at packing up everything and moving on.
I dont know if that was a good thing or not.
I guess short term it was a good thing, I didnt cry for very long or pine for old friendships and locations.
Long term it sort of messed me up.
Once we settled here, I realised how much change sucked and didnt want to do it anymore.
I usually go with the flow but really, change scares me.
I hate when my relationships change or when people leave,
and people always leave.
People cant stay here in one place to suit my comfort.
But wouldnt it be cool if they could?
Alot has changed around me lately.
Ive changed...so much
I somehow worked up the courage to be honest about things I've been afraid of voicing for years.
Which is kind of cool, but now I'm stuck dealing with the consequences.
My relationships are changing and I'm changing some more, and it's unreal.
I dont like it, but I guess I'm accepting it.
It's scary to let go of people who have always been here,
but I find that I'm preparing to do that because of the choices I've made lately.
I'm in such a weird almost emotionless place right now.
I've cried and yelled so much in the last couple of weeks that i'm almost numb.
Not bad numb, not emo numb.
Just unable to spare the unneccessary emotion for this drama.
These dramas.
I dont really know where I'm going with this anymore.
Maybe I'm just not sure where I'm going anymore.

i know this is my third blog tonight

I know this is my third blog tonight,
But i've just got so much on my mind.
I just love my friends so effing much.
I love Molly and the way she's just such a big part of my life. She is just so funny and she adds to every conversation and situation in a way no one else could. I love how we talk for a couple hours a day. And if we go out we go home and talk some more on msn. She loves people even when they dont deserve it, and she just is so fun, even when she's grumpy. I love her more than sandwiches!
I love Tyler and everything about him. I love every moment i spend with him and how we can do absolutely nothing and still have the best time. I love how he keeps me grounded and how he needs me to do the same thing for him. His friendship is one of the most valuable things god has ever given me. I'm so proud of the person he's become and the obstacles he's jumped.
I love josh mills and the way he has of popping up when i need someone, even when i dont know i need him. I love the bible conversations we have and how we just love eachother. He can encourage like no other and i cant wait for the summer when i can see him everyday.
I love Carlye and all of her quirks and our STUPID inside jokes. I also love her red hair...
I love shawn and everything he has done for me. I love the way he has with people but with youth in particular. I love sitting at tim hortons with him just listening to us talking with a smile on his face. And i love above all else his commitment to his family.
Josh Reno, oh man, what a guy. He's grown so much and i'm crazy about him. He is going to crazy things with his life. He's already such a leader.
Sarah Packwood. I adore her with everything in me. She is sweet and funny and lovable and loving. If i could live with one person she would defs be up there.
Mike Anderson, I love him most of all. I've grown up with him and watched him become this incredible person. I'm so proud of the person he's become, and i love listening to him when he gets talking about god. God is already doing crazy things through him, and despite his "spiritual gift of being a dick" i think he's an incredible friend. I wish people would look past his talent and his looks and really get to know who he is. Because he is so much more. Haha a wild jaguar if you will...

Through your eyes

How do you really see me?
Through the camera lens that adds 10 pounds and distorts my colour?
Through the rose coloured glasses that take away all of my faults?
What about the carnival mirror that changes my shape and features?
Am i beautiful and important?
Or simple and plain?
Do my looks really matter?
If i was truly ugly would you love me just the same?
Am i the bestfriend?
The object of your affection?
Do you really know how you see me?
Does it really matter?
Does your heart skip a beat when i enter the room?
Do you even notice?
When i laugh do you smile?
Or do you cringe and think i'm annoying?
I could try and interpret the things that you say.
But to be honest i'll just never know.
I wish that you knew,
So that you could tell me.
Really who am i to you?

Mixed

So its been a long time and alot has happened.
Scott is no longer the youth pastor of neighbourhood church.
Shawn resigned as our youth pastor.
Its been a bit difficult this last month or so.
Alot of tears...to be honest.
But christmas was fantastic.
I have a job at superstore, which is actually a great job.
I rememorized the codes effortlessly.
Personally, i'm a bit of a mess.
Lately people have been telling me i'm really strong.
And they look up to me and i keep them accountable.
But who am i to keep them accountable?
I havent been able to find my bible, so i havent been reading.
Which is lame since i have a million bibles in my house.
And i want to start reading again, i do enjoy it.
And with shawn leaving i feel like i need to step up big time.
But i know that it would be disatrous if i'm not reading.
So i really need to get back into that.
I need to find my bible, because it's dumb but i really love my bible.
I love the notes and how wellused it is.
I also need someone to keep me accountable.
Thats about it for now.

Memories

Right now i'm feeling...sad? melancholy? disappointed?
I can't pinpoint the exact emotion but it's not a great one.
I was bored and on facebook at 1 am...big surprise
and i saw that Tyler had added a picture to the group Nanaimo Christian School.
I didnt know that the group existed

Funny story...i went to NCS from grade 7 through grade 9
and i've for some reason tried to block out those memories.
I wasn't unhappy...so much as not sure of my place.
I started going there literally weeks after my parents seperated and i was angry.
I was an instant hit with the guys....the girls not so much.
But i was a angry confused 13 year old
and like ben so nicely told me "You have a great first impression 'chelle, you're hot, but you're kind of a bitch"
I wasn't really.
I didnt understand why things had changed.
So i wasnt overly nice. I acted bitchy but that wasnt who i was.

In grade 8 i was me again, i dealt with my issues and moved past it, but i still didnt know who i was.
The girls still didnt like me. A few in particular just despised me.
So i hung out with the guys, and in turn crushed on half of them at one point.
I never really figured out my place there.
And when i left NCS to follow my "bestfriend" to ndss, i was more confused about who i was than ever.

I was beautiful. I was thin and pretty and smart.
But i thought i was fat ugly and stupid.
I left NCS, broken and without a solid identity.
I had to start all over again without knowing anyone
and took classes with the kids who bullied me in grade 4-6, the ones who robbed me of my identity in the first place.

I hated high school, both of them
I didnt realise who i was until i was graduated.
I did my best not to think about high school, but especially not NCS,
Because i feel like a failure everytime i do.
I left there and i dont have relationships with any of those people.

I was looking at the pictures of NCS and the pictures of my grad class, or at least the class i would have graduated with had i stayed.
I read the conversations below, and they all talked about how close they were
and how happy they are that they were all friends
and it stung. alot.

I doubt that in 10 years anyone from either school will remember who i was.
Because i didnt know who i was...

romeo and juliet life-size

"Probably the best part was cheering Michelle up with Tyler, and him telling her that they are like Romeo and Juliet ("You can NEVER leave me. If you do it'll be like Romeo and Juliet. You'll die, and then I'll kill myself, and you will wake up and then see me dead and kill yourself." "Uh... thanks?" "You are my JULIET! Deal with it.") and him telling her that if his future wife doesn't like Michelle, he's taking back the ring." -Molly Woodford.

I never thought i'd be someone's Juliet, even non-romantically

Reunited with Sunrise...only to be torn apart yet again...

This weekend was pretty incredible. It didnt start well but everything ended up great.
I saw friends i haven't seen since the summer...which seems like forever ago by the way.
It was good. The worship band Fly Sparrow Fly, is amazing. Chris janzen is so effing talented.
Luke Nielson has the most amazing voice, I could honestly just listen to him forever.
The war college kids ran a prayer walk for human trafficking..which was a theme this weekend.
I'm pretty ashamed about how oblivious i've been to it all. I think it was just easier to "not realise" or in all honesty just not think about it all. Which is incredibly selfish.
The shirts we sold at camp came from child labour and sweat shops, that's a slap in the face.
You cant hear about the things we heard about this weekend without wanting to do something.
Tyler decided not to wear anything that isnt fair trade and i think that's pretty incredible.
But lately thats the only way to describe him. I'm so proud of the person and the leader he's become. He is one of the most selfless people i know, and easily the best friend i have ever had. He speaks to people with confidence, but not arrogance which i have to give him props for. And he leads so easily, people want to follow him without him asking. He's a role model and a strong christian. He tells it how it is, as bluntly as he needs to, even to me.
He flat out told me not to sit around accepting my burdens and really do something about it. I respect him for that. Most others would rather put all their effort into making me happy short term. He's more interested in making me take responsibility and be as strong as he knows i can be. And i have nothing but respect for that. He's younger than me but i look up to him. He told me this weekend it hurts him to see me cry, and he's not the first person who's said that. Molly says it's the way i cry, and the sound of it. But i think that i usually hold up as strong as i can, that when i finally do cry, it's because it's impossible to hold it in anymore. I think it scares my friends to see me that vulnerable. It's also kind of amazing to realise how truly loved i am, because sometimes it's easy to forget.

Random lyrics that I like.

"And I need you like a heart needs a beat"
- One Republic "Apologize"

So I'd be lying if I said I dont listen to this song on repeat. These guys are hot, better than a boy band but still a boy band. The lyrics are ok, and I just thought this was the corniest line ever.

"Like the perfect one word no one's heard yet"
- Faber Drive "Tongue Tied"

Also another song on my playlist. This line really doesnt fit with the rest of the song...but I like it all the same.

"I wanna lock you up in my closet, when no one's around
I wanna put your hand in my pocket, because you're allowed
I wanna drive you into the corner, and kiss you without a sound"
- Avril Lavigne "Hot"

K, so the song's all about sex and is totally ridiculous. But I've been singing those first 3 lines over and over again all week. Avril Lavigne in that classy way of hers has written a song that I cant get out of my head. This song is also on my playlist...Don't judge me.

"A bit unassured, A bit insecure
And your walls fall down"
- Bedoin Soundclash "Walls Fall Down"

Listen to his voice and that fact that the lyrics to this song either suck or don't make sense doesn't matter at all. I love the way he sings every syllable.

I went for my N test this week and passed.
I was pretty psyched about life.
I drove everywhere for two days.
I also made up with a couple of friends i wasn't getting along with,
And that's always awesome.
But now the boredom has set in.
I read alot, and i looked forward all week for the gossip girl premiere.
I've read the books and it's not very similar,
But the new direction is good i guess.
My sister ever the lover of drama was totally excited about the new show.
Sarah: I'm so excited! I love this show! And all the Drama!
Michelle: Don't you have enough drama in your life Sarah?
Sarah: Michelle! I dont know anyone who's slept with their bestfriend's boyfriend!
(In a tone that indicated disappointment, of all things.)
Michelle: That's a good thing!

First Kiss

"...will I close my eyes
will I hold my breath
will I wanna cry
will our souls connect?
...gonna say now
I can picture it all,
inside my head
just how it's going to feel
but a girl can only dream so much
now she wants to make it real
- make it real..."

These are lyrics from a Mandy Moore song.
The music is catchy, yet slightly annoying.
The lyrics are corny and totally juvenile,
considering she's twenty something.
Yet it's a funny subject.
Every girl imagines their first kiss.
She obviously took it to the extreme.
Everyone remembers their first kiss.
Usually with a grimace.
They're hyped up to be incredible.
But they're usually awkward and embarrassing.
Which is probably why i laugh when i listen to this song.
Well I laugh until her voice gets whiny and I change the song.
I just thought i'd blog about it,
because i hate and like this song.
I still havent figured out what i like about it yet.